I need to make an appointment with my old therapist. I can feel myself slipping.
My life is somewhat chaotic lately and surprisingly I haven’t completely lost it yet.
A part of me wants to just lose all my marbles because me just barely hanging on to this ledge is a daunting thing.
I say that but it must not be true because I feel like if it was and I am willing to loose it all than nothing should scare me and give me this much anxiety.
Yet I am scared of so much…
My mind won’t be still and I feel how I imagine a cranky baby feels.
Just an overall slight discomfort, inability to fall asleep and the littlest of things are majorly bothering me (such as the itchy dry state of my skin, the height of my pillow options and the wrinkled fabric I lay on)
I imagine a baby has all this energy yet the inability to spend it due to their inability to move aside from wiggling.
I have been pretty inactive today due to being depressed and just watching tv, recovering from putting down my 20 year old cat yesterday.
On days where I am more active I usually sleep better. It seems like such a no brainer putting that conclusion together.
Another conclusion I have is based off the fact that I seem to be able to fall asleep almost any time and place during the day (almost).
So I figured out that during the day I am not focused/pressured to fall asleep but at night the pressure is on.
Lastly I seem to be unable to sleep at night due to all the the damn technology. Lights and TVs blaring and my iPhone begging to be used for mindless indulgences.
So it seems I might not have so much insomnia as just poor control over my daily life.
I can choose to medicate the problem or I can choose to fix the causes;
I loved you so much… more than anyone before…
But maybe I fell in love with a stranger… maybe I fell in love with my own in·cli·na·tions of who you were…
Maybe who you truly are and who I wanted you to be are not the same…
Maybe I thought you would open up and show me the you behind your mystery wall but I fear I have actually just been trying to change who you are.
Trying to change a person is such a terrible and unproductive thing to do… A thing in which I want no knowing part in…
I want you to be who you truly are… I want to love a person for who they truly are…
I am not the same naive girl who fell in love with you 4+ years ago…
You are a great guy and I (love) you as a person but grievously I cannot be (in-love) with the person you are…
And I want to be with someone I am truly (in-love) with…
I think it’s time for me to give you up as much as I do (love) you and where we came from… I can’t see where we are going…
I sadly don’t see any future beyond friendship…
Decided to get to work early today to just sit in my lonely studio salon that I pay $305 a week / $1220+ a month for. I have 45 mins till my client gets here.
Sitting here alone beats sitting at home waiting to leave for work.
I left while you were still in the shower. Yes it was intentional.
I am so tired of our daily goodbyes before work.
It’s the only time we kiss and it’s more like a kiss I would give my grandma. But with you it feels so fake. I feel nothing from those goodbye kisses. I don’t look foreword to them.
You are a stranger to me.
It’s like we are just acting our parts.
I am sorry I make a terrible stepford wife. I feel like that shallow type of life would satisfy you.
However I require something much deeper;
I want out but I can’t leave so I have to start building some invisible impenetrable walls around myself. I can’t allow you to far in anymore.
This relationship is seriously Fuu-Uck-ING with my head.
I have never felt more alone than in your presence.
I can’t ever open up to you about serious issues I’m struggling with or tell you my unique ideas and goals because 50% of the time you laugh like I am crazy or stupid. The other 50% of the time your not paying attention, say the worst thing possible or say the wrong thing.
With me it’s pretty hard for anyone to say the wrong thing if your a compassionate and listening.
But my days of opening up to you are over. Soon you’ll be wondering why I am not sharing with you my daily life and major events. You will be the last to know anything… wondering why I didn’t come to you first!
Hopefully your smart enough to know why and accepting enough to know it’s because you fucked up, you did this to me/us,
you asked for this;
So where was I?
I was in junior high and just have my first handjob (before my first kiss)
I was starting to want attention from boys. I don’t know if I was wanting sexual attention but more so just the attention. It made me feel like somebody then. It’s was almost a game to me to be cooler than the other girls or something.
Well my reputation was spreading and soon I was quite popular. I didnt know at the time that I was just being used. That these “friends” didn’t want to get to know me… they didn’t care about me… they were fucking using me!
They were like moths drawn to a flame (me). I can sadly remember some of the things I did. I didn’t have sex till high school but I was becoming the queen of handjobs. I remember giving handjobs in movie theaters and once even to someone I just met behind a car when my friend and I snuck out at night Titian the streets. I did it because I didn’t know what self respect / esteem? was and the guy looked cute.
I only want to please people and be liked yet sadly I was doing it all wrong.
I need to write about something good.
Lately I have been feeling too aware of all the bad in my life and in the world. I need to have something good.
The only good I can find right now is that I am in a warm bed. The bed may not be mine and it’s not under a roof that is due to my own finances but it is warm and I do have it all to myself currently as my boyfriend passes out on the couch most nights… (heading south…next…)
Ummm… I have some ear plugs in to drown out the voice of my roommate/ brothers loud ass voice talking to a computer headset while playing some game.so that’s good.
I don’t have a headache or any serious heath issues (that know of)
My anxiety could be worse but it’s not so that good.
I have this outlet (my blog) to almost truly be myself. I’m afraid to show my face or name invade it came back to haunt me in my daily life. But I hope one day I can let that fear go.
I have a job that by some miracle allows me to at least pay my car payment and other bills.
Fuck I can’t think of that much to lift me up right now. But to be fair I can’t think of anything to bring me that far down.
Fuck! no, the more I think about it the more claustrophobic is my life I feel.
Then again I always have tomorrow to start changing things.
I can get back into working out. I’m 30 years old, 5’2 and about 128 ish lbs (it just occurred to me that Lbs is a very odd abbreviation for pounds?) so I am not overweight but I could use some toning up. Aside from looking better I am more hoping I will feel better.
Maybe working out will exhaust my mind while giving me more stamina physically. I seem to have it switched.
I need my mind to be more less energized while my body needs more energy/strength to get me through each day. Maybe that will fix me;
9:11pm Sunday
The medical marijuana is really kicking in, almost uncomfortably.
Just got back from my weekend to visit my dad with my boyfriend in Nevada.
It was a very strange weekend.
I live 4+ hours away from my dad so I don’t see him often. When I have a trip planned to visit the days before I go I’m always a little hesitant.
My dad started to let himself go a long time ago but about 6ish years ago and he really seemed to go down hill when my mom divorced him. (As much as I love my dad, I can’t blame her)
I almost dread going because I don’t want to see my dads declining health. Well, this weekend didn’t disappoint.
I got to my dads house Thursday morning and left this Sunday morning. The whole time I was there my dad did not leave the house. He used to regularly go down to a local casino and have a picture of beer to himself and gamble a little. So the positive to his new lifestyle he is saving money not spending what he was a week at the casino. He is also not driving drunk and putting his and others lives in danger. So there is some good.
He is walking terrible for a sixty something year old. But on the good side the foot ulcer he had last time I saw him is better.
He may be missing more teeth but it’s hard to tell as I don’t like looking at his mouth for too long.
He hasn’t cut his hair in years, it’s hard to tell what’s going on cuz it’s usually covered with a beanie or a bandana.
For some odd reason he is looking a little thinner which is a good thing because he did have a growing beer belly. He also has the addition of some sort of growth on the underside of his jaw. It could be a pimple or a ingrown hair or a growth hopefully not cancer or it could be somehow related to the horrible decay going on in his mouth.
He is British from Essex or Sussex, England. I can never remember which “**ssex” it is. I mention that he is British so you can maybe understand just how bad the health of his teeth and his drinking Habits are.
He used to be a good looking guy that often got mistaken for Rod Stewart, the main guy on crocodile dundee “Crocodile Dundee” and Robbin Williams.
– – –
Friday night my boyfriend and I decided to go to the Las Vegas Strip to ride the (High Roller?) giant (carousel?) thing. ***it’s beautiful at night but not worth $32 per person.***
We walked around for a hour or so before the (ferris wheel?) and ended up getting talked into a god damn time share presentation for a free breakfast and two hundred dollars!
I absolutely did not want to go but I was trying to let my boyfriend make some decisions which is because I am tired of being the man in the relationship!!! He doesn’t have the ability to see ahead of time that something is going to be a disaster like I can. But I let him decide and we ended up agreeing to a 9am start time on a Saturday!
We had to put a $40 deposit down so we HAD to show up. The breakfast was terrible. It was worse than the shitty hole in the wall Best Western Hotels in shitty areas of town with a free (continental) breakfast (<- whatever that means)
I am mostly vegan but on vacation where I am forced to eat out every meal and try not to spend a fortune on the food I sometimes have to digress to vegetarian for the time being.
So I had eggs and potatoes. The eggs were probably those fake powdered eggs and the potatoes has some weird seasoning. I accidentally squirted ketchup on my shirt. ***I would like to note, I only put ketchup on potatoes nothing else especially not eggs!***
While we are to eat we are put in a presentation room with other couples where we hear the whole razzle dazzle power point presentation. After that then we are put one on one with a vacation realitor.
My boyfriend is really shy so I am the one doing all the talking! Yet I am not the one with the money.
I think I am a little hormonal so I’m extra short handed and outspoken lately or maybe that’s me all the time. Somehow the timeshare man and myself get to talking about the inner and depressing state of my relationship with my boyfriend sitting right there.
At one point amount other outlandish statements the Salesman asked my boyfriend if he has ever been molested!!!
The whole presentation ended up taking a total of 4 hours of our life. It was mentally exhausting getting couples therapy and having pushy sales tactics thrown at us. The guy seemed all buddy buddy with us and acted like he wanted to help our relationship out, but after the 6th or more time of saying that it wasn’t in our budget I just kept repeating that “I was ready to get on with my day.” When our timeshare shrink got the concept we weren’t going to buy he took off so quick with out a thanks you for you time/no hand shake/ no bye/ NOTHING!
– – –
After the timeshare fiasco my dad had me pick him up a thirty pack of cheap watered down beer because he doesn’t leave the house any more; which he only gave me $10 for.
I don’t think I want to stay at my dads house again when I go. The amenities are far from comfortable. The main tv has been broken forever with only the faintest of volume and the screen setup is stuck in a mode too big for the actual tv screen it’s self so you can’t even see what channel your on. The tv in our bedroom wouldn’t even turn on till my boyfriend spent a hour or more fixing it in a rather compulsive state while I decided that it was time to sleep.
The shower I boubt has never been cleaned and the shower head it’s self has so much hard water build up or something on it it only trickles water. Its more of a cruel joke of a shower.
The good thing is I always bring my dog so my broke ass won’t have to pay to board my dog while I go on vacation. I don’t have any friends to ask,my mom to busy a social life and my boyfriend and I’s roommate/(my) brother is terrible at anything I ask of him.
– – –
We left for home today (Sunday) around 6:30am and got home around 11am.
Upon returning home I was stressed out thanks to said hormones, caffeine, being couped up in a car driving for all those hours, my brother not caring for my cats properly while I was gone, the fact I needed to unpack, shower and get ready to go to work at 2. I was doing all of that while my boyfriend sat on the couch looking at social media junk till he fell asleep.
When I got home around 4 (I only had to work a few hours since I am a hairstylist and I couldn’t reschedule this one client on account of my trip to visit my dad so I worked around it.)
My boyfriend was just starting to get his day going.
So I was winding down from the day/weekend and he began working on his motorcycle. Mind you that was 4ish and it is now 11:22pm! And he has work early in the morning. My boyfriend is terrible with time management and gets very compulsive with his tasks. Spending hours on tasks the just can’t take a break from.
I was hungry and went to go pick up some food and offered to get him some. If I hadn’t offered he probably wouldn’t have eaten at all.
I often wondered if my boyfriend is slight autistic or aspbergers or something.
The current dynamic of our relationship is depressing.
I’ll go more in to detail another time. It’s time for me to try and sleep;
11:56 PM
10:56 pm Wednesday night.
Going to Nevada tomorrow morning to visit my dad for 3 days.
I’m all packed.
slightly stoned.
Laying flat on the floor listening to classical music. My back prefers the floor to the bed I am finding.
I am really sick of technology right now or more so the way most everyone including myself are always buried in our phones. I am sick of checking my Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat multiple times a day taking hours of my life away from me! I just deleted Facebook and Instagram. I treat those apps like a pantry or fridge you keep checking knowing there is nothing of what your hoping and wanting to eat is there and knowing that the contents havent changed since the last time you looked 15 mins ago.
I am done. I am not watching everyone else’s lives progress on this tiny computer we call a phone. No more sitting on my ass procrastinating my life away.
I want to be a creator of content not a watcher of content.
I would at least feel better about spending my time writing this blurb than watching content that I didn’t choose to watch but got lured into watching. I mean really think about it, when you open Facebook or the others you don’t get to choose what you see; you are fed gossip, subliminal advertising, jealousy, sadness etc. social media is like junk food for our mind/ soul.
I don’t want to be feeding my mind/soul/spirit crap I want to give my being beneficial and creative outlets. Writing has always been very therapeutic for me. It’s a way to release some much of what’s on my mind. 30 mins of writing makes me feel released, creative, and productive where as just 5 mins social media can have me feeling fat and ugly, sad for all the unfortunate animals and babies, jealous of my friends for seeming to be so ahead of me in life.
Why the fuck do we subject ourselves to that bullshit!;
suddenlystoned 