When will I wake up and realize you’ll never wake up.

I’m not sure how I feel lately.

A part of me is 99% sure you are who you are. You’ll never change and be the person I want.

How dare I even want to change you. You deserve someone who loves you how you are.

I want to many improvements from you and who knows if thats selfish or understandable? I’ll probably never know.

But after all our talks and revelations you haven’t woken up. You haven’t fought for me like I want you to.

I’m still waiting and yearning for something I’ll never get from you. When will I wake up and realize you’ll never wake up.

What’s the purpose of my pre-birth plan

I once went to this medium’s workshop about ‘learning to love letting go’.

It was very short notice and seemed as though it wasn’t meant to be. All the spots were filled when I reached out to her but the day before.

Randomly someone couldn’t make it at the last minute so I got a unknown call while I was huffing and puffing at the gym. I almost didn’t answer and totally forgot about that workshop but something in me told me to answer so I did and I was immediately confused at what to do.

I am not good at plans being sprung on me when I haven’t mentally prepared for them. But it was like fate was telling me to go. So I anxiously went. I thought it was so cool how she “the medium or psychic” said she was compelled to notify me of the sudden opening.

I started to think I was special and that maybe she would have some more things she was compelled to tell me even tho it wasn’t that king of workshop.

She didn’t offer any kind of soul comforting, path conformation or advise to me personally like I was hoping but that costs money. So I guess I wasn’t special enough to have them her offer it up for free like the spirits were compelling her like I have seen on the Long Island medium.

Please tell me…{me} you don’t really believe that lady on tv?!?

Anyways one think I took from the workshop was the medium did say something about how every one creates a life for themselves/ our story. Because in heave or the spirit world or whatever, every thing is so easy and peaceful and boring. So we create a pre-birth plan. To help us grow and have experience that make us who we are meant to be.

The medium said to look at all the bad in your life and instead of think “why is this happening to me” think “what am I supposed to learn from this”

Im really currently trying to figure out what I am supposed to learn / grow from everything going on in my life right now.

Tomorrow is Christmas even and my dog could very well be needing to be put down tomorrow. She hasn’t eaten since Tuesday I believe and watching her continue to refuse food and have no energy is a terrible thing to watch. I have already spent $200 at the vet and all her blood work is normal so tomorrow I’ll most likely be spending big bucks (I don’t have/ hello more debt) on more serious tests and after all that I’ll probably have to spend more just to humanely put her down.

She is my best friend and a big part of my daily routine and happiness.

She is my distraction from my terrible relationship with my boyfriend which I can’t seem to find a way out of.

So I just keep asking my self if what that medium lady says is true why the FUCK did I choose all this to be happening to me right now with tomorrow being Christmas Eve.

Just what am I supposed to learn from this.

Maybe that taking a Xanax,a bath, and writing is a good way to calm down for a hour before I try an sleep in a bit before the madness of tomorrow begins of trying to figure out what’s wrong with my furchild.

The little things 

There are so many little things you won’t do for me it’s starting to really add up. I am often left wondering what you do DO? 

These little things are things a boyfriend should do for a girlfriend. 

It makes me come to the conclusion that… You just don’t love me like {that} to do the little things for me or you just don’t want to do then no matter if you love me like {that} or not. 

I can’t settle for a guy who can’t do even the littlest of things for me; 

When the time comes…

I loved you so much… more than anyone before…

But maybe I fell in love with a stranger… maybe I fell in love with my own  in·cli·na·tions of who you were…

Maybe who you truly are and who I wanted you to be are not the same… 

Maybe I thought you would open up and show me the you behind your mystery wall but I fear I have actually just been trying to change who you are. 

Trying to change a person is such a terrible and unproductive thing to do… A thing in which I want no knowing part in…

I want you to be who you truly are… I want to love a person for who they truly are… 

I am not the same naive girl who fell in love with you 4+ years ago… 

You are a great guy and I (love) you as a person but grievously I cannot be (in-love) with the person you are… 

And I want to be with someone I am truly (in-love) with… 

I think it’s time for me to give you up as much as I do (love) you and where we came from… I can’t see where we are going…

I sadly don’t see any future beyond friendship… 

Not your stepford wife 

Decided to get to work early today to just sit in my lonely studio salon that I pay $305 a week / $1220+ a month for. I have 45 mins till my client gets here.  

Sitting here alone beats sitting at home waiting to leave for work.

 I left while you were still in the shower. Yes it was intentional. 

I am so tired of our daily goodbyes before work. 

It’s the only time we kiss and it’s more like a kiss I would give my grandma. But with you it feels so fake. I feel nothing from those goodbye kisses. I don’t look foreword to them. 

You are a stranger to me.

It’s like we are just acting our parts.

I am sorry I make a terrible stepford wife. I feel like that shallow type of life would satisfy you. 

However I require something much deeper; 

Invisible Impenetrable Walls

I want out but I can’t leave so I have to start building some invisible impenetrable walls around myself. I can’t allow you to far in anymore. 

This relationship is seriously Fuu-Uck-ING with my head. 

I have never felt more alone than in your  presence. 

I can’t ever open up to you about serious issues I’m struggling with or tell you my unique ideas and goals because 50% of the time you laugh like I am crazy or stupid. The other 50% of the time your not paying attention, say the worst thing possible or say the wrong thing.

With me it’s pretty hard for anyone to say the wrong thing if your a compassionate and listening. 

But my days of opening up to you are over. Soon you’ll be wondering why I am not sharing with you my daily life and major events. You will be the last to know anything… wondering why I didn’t come to you first! 

Hopefully your smart enough to know why and accepting enough to know it’s because you fucked up, you did this to me/us,
 you asked for this; 

Not your shiny new girlfriend

Its been 4+ years now. 
We have hit our bear I fear and we didn’t make it very high.
I can’t say yes if you asked me to marry you and I don’t think you want to. 
What are you doing with me? 
Sadly I know what I am doing with you. 
I am like a bird with a broken wing. 
I can’t leave till I am healed. Which basically means I live you but I am not in love with you and I have nowhere to go right now. I pay more to rent my work space out than most  people my age pay for their rooms for rent/ appartments. So basically all my income goes back to paying my career bills so I can continue the crappy pointless cycle. 
So I can’t afford any housing expenses. I can’t move in with my mom or any friends because I have 2 cats and a dog and I am not the type of person to abandon them and it’s a lot to ask someone to take me in let alone my animal pack. 
So I am stuck till I can figure something out. 
But why are you still with me. You don’t need me to put a roof over your head. You don’t seem to need me for sex. You don’t need me for my mind. You don’t need me for the view since you hardly look up from your phone. WHY THE FUCK HAVENT YOU LEFT ME! 
It seems I don’t make you happy and lord (if there is one) knows you aren’t making me happy. 
You never say the right things. You never look at me with a look that says “your beautiful inside and out and I am madly in love with you”. You never go out of your way to surprise me and make me feel special. 

I feel used up… I am just not your shiny new girlfriend anymore; 

Blog 2… the weekend 

9:11pm Sunday

The medical marijuana is really kicking in, almost uncomfortably.

Just got back from my weekend to visit my dad with my boyfriend in Nevada.

It was a very strange weekend.

I live 4+ hours away from my dad so I don’t see him often. When I have a trip planned to visit the days before I go I’m always a little hesitant. 

My dad started to let himself go a long time ago but about 6ish years ago and he really seemed to go down hill when my mom divorced him. (As much as I love my dad, I can’t blame her)

I almost dread going because I don’t want to see my dads declining health. Well, this weekend didn’t disappoint.

I got to my dads house Thursday morning and left this Sunday morning. The whole time I was there my dad did not leave the house. He used to regularly go down to a local casino and have a picture of beer to himself and gamble a little. So the positive to his new lifestyle he is saving money not spending what he was a week at the casino. He is also not driving drunk and putting his and others lives in danger. So there is some good.

He is walking terrible for a sixty something year old. But on the good side the foot ulcer he had last time I saw him is better.

He may be missing more teeth but it’s hard to tell as I don’t like looking at his mouth for too long.

He hasn’t cut his hair in years, it’s hard to tell what’s going on cuz it’s usually covered with a beanie or a bandana.

For some odd reason he is looking a little thinner which is a good thing because he did have a growing beer belly. He also has the addition of some sort of growth on the underside of his jaw. It could be a pimple or a ingrown hair or a growth hopefully not cancer or it could be somehow related to the horrible decay going on in his mouth.

He is British from Essex or Sussex, England. I can never remember which “**ssex” it is. I mention that he is British so you can maybe understand just how bad the health of his teeth and his drinking Habits are.

He used to be a good looking guy that often got mistaken for Rod Stewart, the main guy on crocodile dundee “Crocodile Dundee” and Robbin Williams.

– – –

Friday night my boyfriend and I decided to go to the Las Vegas Strip to ride the (High Roller?) giant (carousel?) thing. ***it’s beautiful at night but not worth $32 per person.*** 


We walked around for a hour or so before the (ferris wheel?) and ended up getting talked into a god damn time share presentation for a free breakfast and two hundred dollars!

I absolutely did not want to go but I was trying to let my boyfriend make some decisions which is because I am tired of being the man in the relationship!!! He doesn’t have the ability to see ahead of time that something is going to be a disaster like I can. But I let him decide and we ended up agreeing to a 9am start time on a Saturday! 

We had to put a $40 deposit down so we HAD to show up. The breakfast was terrible. It was worse than the shitty hole in the wall Best Western Hotels in shitty areas of town with a free (continental) breakfast (<- whatever that means) 

I am mostly vegan but on vacation where I am forced to eat out every meal and try not to spend a fortune on the food I sometimes have to digress to vegetarian for the time being. 

So I had eggs and potatoes. The eggs were probably those fake powdered eggs and the potatoes has some weird seasoning.  I accidentally squirted ketchup on my shirt. ***I would like to note, I only put ketchup on potatoes nothing else especially not eggs!*** 

While we are to eat we are put in a presentation room with other couples where we hear the whole razzle dazzle power point presentation. After that then we are put one on one with a vacation realitor. 

My boyfriend is really shy so I am the one doing all the talking! Yet I am not the one with the money.

I think I am a little hormonal  so I’m extra short handed and outspoken lately or maybe that’s me all the time. Somehow the timeshare man and myself get to talking about the inner and depressing state of my relationship with my boyfriend sitting right there. 

At one point amount other outlandish statements the Salesman asked my boyfriend if he has ever been molested!!! 

The whole presentation ended up taking a total of 4 hours of our life. It was mentally exhausting getting couples therapy and having pushy sales tactics thrown at us. The guy seemed all buddy buddy with us and acted like he wanted to help our relationship out, but after the 6th or more time of saying that it wasn’t in our budget I just kept repeating that “I was ready to get on with my day.” When our timeshare shrink got the concept we weren’t going to buy he took off so quick with out a thanks you for you time/no hand shake/ no bye/ NOTHING! 

–   –   –

After the timeshare fiasco my dad had me pick him up a thirty pack of cheap watered down beer because he doesn’t leave the house any more; which he only gave me $10 for. 

I don’t think I want to stay at my dads house again when I go. The amenities are far from comfortable. The main tv has been broken forever with only the faintest of volume and the screen setup is stuck in a mode too big for the actual tv screen it’s self so you can’t even see what channel your on. The tv in our bedroom wouldn’t even turn on till my boyfriend spent a hour or more fixing it in a rather compulsive state while I decided that it was time to sleep. 

The shower I boubt has never been cleaned and the shower head it’s self has so much hard water build up or something on it it only trickles water. Its more of a cruel joke of a shower. 

The good thing is I always bring my dog so my broke ass won’t have to  pay to board my dog while I go on vacation. I don’t have any friends to ask,my mom to busy a social life  and my boyfriend and I’s roommate/(my) brother is terrible at anything I ask of him. 

–   –   – 

We left for home today (Sunday) around 6:30am and got home around 11am. 

Upon returning home I was stressed out thanks to said hormones, caffeine, being couped up in a car driving for all those hours, my brother not caring for my cats properly while I was gone, the fact I needed to unpack, shower and get ready to go to work at 2. I was doing all of that while my boyfriend sat on the couch looking at social media junk till he fell asleep. 

When I got home around 4 (I only had to work a few hours since I am a hairstylist and I couldn’t reschedule this one client on account of my trip to visit my dad so I worked around it.) 

My boyfriend was just starting to get his day going

So I was winding down from the day/weekend and he began working on his motorcycle. Mind you that was 4ish and it is now 11:22pm! And he has work early in the morning. My boyfriend is terrible with time management and gets very compulsive with his tasks. Spending hours on tasks the just can’t take a break from. 

I was hungry and went to go pick up some food and offered to get him some. If I hadn’t offered he probably wouldn’t have eaten at all. 

I often wondered if my boyfriend is slight autistic or aspbergers or something. 

The current dynamic of our relationship is depressing.  

I’ll go more in to detail another time. It’s time for me to try and sleep; 
11:56 PM